Front Office => Public Documents => Topic started by: salithus on May 26, 2009, 03:55:23 pm

Title: Declaration of Existence
Post by: salithus on May 26, 2009, 03:55:23 pm
"Orbiter on standby.  Systems A-OK for re-entry."

The message, repeated every hours, is the reminder that the door is open.  Stepping through it is a different matter, and one that gives us pause.

We are the last to wear the circle and the grenade, the last remnant of something monumental that once demanded that the world look upon its works and despair.  A sycamore seed helicoptering in the wind and flung far away even as the tree burns.

Nearly two years ago, we set out from Planet Bob far below us. Our mission: to form a colony on the newly fertile moon, to extend the dominance of the Order to worlds beyond our own.  For months, we thrived and sent good news back home.  There were skirmishes, conflicts, nothing world-ending. With the strength of our Order we always knew we were stable.

Then, communications were lost with Earth. We thought at first there had been a natural disaster, dustclouds or sunspots or something else to explain the radio silence and the sudden increase in radiation.

In isolation, in darkness, we had no choice but to rebuild, and rebuild we did.  No longer the people of Earth, we were those of the moon, left to our own devices and our own judgment.  Our empire grew, and as the politics of our new world calmed into quiet agreement, we turned our eyes back to our old home.  Probes sent to Bob reported the slow clearing of the radiation, but still no word from home.

Finally, we sent a manned mission into Earth orbit.

What they found explained everything, explained it and increased our horror at what we had escaped.

Would we have been better off not knowing?  Perhaps, but to be human is to confront what you fear most, to look at the killer in the mirror and name him.

A great war, a titanic conflict that redrew the map. Our Order, fighting to the last man, wiped out and defeated, the only sign of their existence in history books written by their conquerors.

Worse almost than that we were destroyed was what we had become as it happened.  Reports of our leadership driven mad, burning their own treaties and their own alliances.  Trying to break the world, send everything out in a blaze of fire.  What madness had afflicted them, we knew not.  All we knew was that the very name of our Order was anathema.

In the pressurized domes of the moon, we watched and shivered in fear.  We could not return, not now, not like this.  To land would be to invite destruction.  Thus, we sent not ourselves but our words, quiet whispers to kind ears.  The message we sent, that we were not what they had become.  We burned no cities, committed no atrocities.  We did not mind being judged, but we wished such judgment to be for ourselves, not for the actions of others.

Slowly it was built.  Not accord, not alliance, but a chance.  One chance to show we were what we claimed, perhaps one chance more than we deserved.

So here we sit, in orbit, the landers ready for planetfall and our return.

"Orbiter on standby.  Systems A-OK for re-entry."

One last look to the stars, to the moon.

It's time.

"Order is given.  Re entry on my mark.  Mark."

A boost of thrusters, the shake of turbulence and anxiety.

GOONS are coming home.


We, the undersigned, recognize the sovereignty of the Goon Order of Oppression, Negligence, and Sadism, and recognize that as per this announcement, no state of war exists between our alliances and theirs.

Signed on behalf of the GGA:
Degenerate108, Holy Triumvirate and Chief Protector of the Realm
scotchwithrocks, Holy Triumvirate and Chief Protector of the Realm
KungFuHamster, Holy Triumvirate and Chief Protector of the Realm
Sognatore, Elder Statesman
BearerofTruth, Elder Statesman
Emperor Lester II, Elder Statesman
ironchef, Elder Statesman
Blood and Honor, Regent

FinsterBaby, President
Iamthey, Secretary of State, IRON Councilor
Shan Revan, Deputy Secretary of State, IRON Councilor
Peron, Minister of Defense, IRON Councilor
Griffon, Deputy Minister of Defense, IRON Councilor
MCRABT, Minister of Internal Affairs, IRON Councilor
Matt Miller, Minister of the Vault, IRON Councilor
Krash, Minister of Labor, IRON Councilor
Grizz Goose, Minister of Central Intelligence, IRON Councilor


A note from the author:

Hello everyone.

You might have been caught a little bit by surprise to find the word "GOONS" being used in CN without several hundred nations reaching for the "attack" button.  Let us calm your troubled nerves a little bit with some soothing words that will hopefully make you not want to kill us.

Who we are:

We are a group of players of Cyber Nations and other similar games.  Most of us are also members of the website  We have bonded here and elsewhere, and we essentially want to play the game together and have fun.  Some of us were in the original GOONS, albeit largely in non-command positions.  Some of us were not.  Many of us are new to Cyber Nations.

Who we aren't:

We aren't the old GOONS.  We aren't trying to break the game.  We weren't leadership in the old CN GOONS, and although those of us who were in GOONS fought hard for our alliance when they were at war, our fights were in-game and in-character.

What we want to do:

We want to have fun.  We want to do the things that made the game fun the first time GOONS were here.  We want to play the game with people we like and not get attacked for things that other people did a year and a half ago.  We want, in short, to be the GOONS this game deserves.

What we don't want to do:

We don't want to settle old scores.  We weren't those people and we don't hold those grudges.  We're not out to break anything or advance any cause other than playing the game our way.

And that's it, essentially.  We're all nice guys (except salithus).  We're all just trying to have fun in the game.  We scrub up nicely and could be introduced to your parents without it causing too much of a fuss (except salithus).

So anyway, the point of this is that we're back.


lamuella, Member Emeritus of GOONS


Greetings denizens of Bob,

GOONS are indeed home at last.  I have come forward today to announce our existence and hopefully put your minds at ease.  I am salithus, Pilot of GOONS.  Joining me are Sardonic, CoPilot of GOONS, Lace, Secretariat of GOONS, and Bloodjewel, Strategos of GOONS.  We are supported by lamuella, Member Emeritus of GOONS and many others who have worked diligently towards this day.

First, I would like to say that we are not the same GOONS who were destroyed over a year ago.  We are primarily a group who have returned to Bob from the moon, for some this is even their first time setting foot on Bob.  Hailing from the site known as SomethingAwful, we are as irreverent and lighthearted as any goons may be, but we intend to keep that in character and have no place for out of character harassment.

Second, we would like to thank DFD and Swiper and our other friends at NpO, Dilber, DarkMistress, MaskOfBlue, Triyun, VektorZero, hawk_11, and our other friends at NPO, as well as chefjoe, SkyGreenChick*, Richard_Rahl, and our other friends at Valhalla, and ironchef of GGA and iamthey of IRON for their enthusiastic support as we prepared for this day.  Also, we would like to extend a special thanks to Emperors Moo and AlmightyGrub, and to the alliances of NpO, GGA, and IRON for their support in making this day even possible.

*formerly of

Below are our first charter and our very first protectorate treaty.  You can find us at or stop by our IRC at #cngoons on Coldfront.

salithus, Pilot of GOONS


CN GOONS Charter
The Goon Order of Oppression, Negligence, and Sadism (hereafter referred to as "GOONS") is an organization of colonies with its roots in Something Awful Dot Com, and for that we apologize.  Anything that is bad or evil on the internet can generally be traced indirectly to Something Awful.  We were even sort of responsible for 4Chan.  Sorry.

   Our primary goal in Cyber Nations is essentially to have fun, bringing to Cyber Nations a sense of irreverence and lighthearted mockery, now with a complete lack of OOC attacks.


Lunar Landing

The wheel of fortune.  Not just an excuse to watch TV in your pants and wonder whether Vanna White looks as good with the dress off.  It is also a metaphor for the constant changes in luck that life throws at us.  One moment, you are making shoe soup in the dirty streets south of skid row, the next, you are sipping champagne from the navel of a Playmate dressed as Wilma Flintstone.  The moment after that, you're doing ten to life in a tiny concrete room somewhere in Terre Haute, and your pasty skin belongs to the guy with the most cigarettes.

As above, so below.  One day in CN, two alliances will be promising to be bowling buddies.  The next, they will be measuring spikes to mount each other's heads and drawing up amusing things to put in the surrender terms, usually involving Youtube.

We aren't quite to the day after that.  A lot of blood flowed under that bridge along with the water.  Wounds don't heal that quickly, and it takes time for venom to drain.  This treaty is the first step on this road to recovery.


Goon Order of Oppresion, Negligence, and Sadism
salithus, Pilot
Sardonic, Co-Pilot
lamuella, Member Emeritus
Lace, Secretariat
Bloodjewel, Strategos

New Polar Order
Emperor - New Polar Order

New Pacific Order
Emperor Revenge
Divine Bovine Overlord
New Pacific Order
Cows with Guns
Moo-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthin' to $%&@ With

VektorZero, Imperial Officer of Foreign Affairs
Triyun, Imperial Officer of Foreign Affairs
Hawk_11, Imperial Officer of Foreign Affairs
DarkMistress, Imperial Officer of Foreign Affairs