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CNGOONS

November 18, 2019, 10:45:38 pm

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:goonpatriot: :goonpatriot: :goonpatriot: CYBERNATIONS IS OVER, IT IS TIME TO RUIN POLITICS AND WAR  :goonpatriot: :goonpatriot: :goonpatriot:
SEE: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3897634
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Author Topic: The Goon Order of Neutral Shoving: A Prologue to a Prologue  (Read 1397 times)

Offline babyjesus

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This covers GOONS' foundation to the end of GW2, about half. I need to proofread this because I'm a horrible writer but I don't think I missed anything major. Also it is way too long, goddamn.

Quote
As you pretty much all know, the GOONS that exists today was not the first attempt at an alliance based from SA. No, there was once the Goon Order of Neutral Shoving – the greatest alliance to ever grace this abortion of a game. A number of people here today could be counted among its members – such as myself, Sardonic, Umar, DarkSol, and countless others. In just over one year, GOONS went from 500 brand new nations to the number one alliance in the game – a superpower. This is its history.

The early history of SA in CyberNations is rooted in the First Great War in July of 2006 – 7 months after the start of the game. In the time between the start of the game and July, the New Pacific Order (still around and powerful today, their history is another thing entirely, ps they are fags) had established themselves as the dominant power by being vaguely competent and crushing their enemies – already weak and isolated. Obviously, this generated a great deal of resentment among pretty much everyone else in the game. For that reason, people finally had enough and during July when NPO tried to attack the LUEnited Nations (an invasion alliance from LUElinks), the rest of the world rushed to support LUE.

NPO was now hopelessly outnumbered. Despite their small advantage in the upper tiers because of their better-built nations, the vast majority of their alliance consisted of nations much smaller than this. NPO was losing, badly. This is the point where we all come in! Short on ideas, then-NPO emperor and notable RP-fag gave the go-ahead for a thread to be posted on Something Awful in an attempt to recruit goons for use in their war effort. The goons would receive some degree of autonomy in the form of their own “Goonsylvania” division, but would otherwise fight and serve under the NPO banner. A number of early goon players, such as myself, got their start this way.

This, however, was not to last. Despite the infusion of new blood from SA, NPO’s position in the war continued to deteriorate. Things reached a breaking point on July 24, when NPO’s longtime ally and the second most powerful alliance in the game joined the war against them – The Legion. This was when most goons decided that staying on the sinking ship wasn’t worth it and we went to form our own alliance. That was the date that the Goon Order of Neutral Shoving was born. I was among the founding members.

GOONS began as a direct democracy, with Lobster President Dizzay being the only real leader. We copied our charter nearly word for word from that of the Legion and went our own way. The alliance’s name was suggested by the first Optimus Prime Minister, Sykic. It was probably the most forced backronym ever created by anyone, but it incorporated a number of ancient SA catchphrases including Genos and Shover Robots. In an early poll we decided our official team colour would be black, narrowly beating out yellow. We picked the right one, yellow fucking sucks. Recruitment campaigns including banner ads had been massively successful over at SA, bringing in nearly 500 members by mid-August and making us the fourth largest alliance in the game (alliances back then were fucking huge because no fuck was given by anyone about ghosts).

The emerging power of GOONS was scaring the locals, particularly those native to the black team. GOONS was quickly able to sweep the senate, easily unseating the incumbents supported by the Coalition of Dark States. This gave GOONS its first real rival – a deep rivalry that would include two wars between us and last for nearly a year. The only other notable alliance on black at the time was the League of Small Superpowers – better known as LOSS. LOSS and their larger, more powerful ally NAAC were very quick to reach out to GOONS in an attempt to forge an alliance. While no tangible military treaty was ever signed, one of the three senate seats was given to LOSS in exchange for their (completely unnecessary) support in the senate and friendly relations. Non-aggression pacts, very common in those times as a symbol of the beginning of formal relations, were concluded with both.

LOSS and NAAC were not the only alliances seeking to tie themselves to GOONS; there were nearly a dozen others, most notably LUE themselves and their patron, GATO. Despite so many opportunities in the realm of foreign relations, it was generally decided that GOONS would take the path of neutrality until the alliance was further grown. This policy of neutrality was taken very seriously. Even tech raiding, a daily practice for modern GOONS, was outlawed. Growth would be a slow process, as GOONS had very few large nations that had been recruited from LUE and the Legion, but a large bug was discovered in the game that allowed nations to send out $15m while only actually having $3m, causing alliance growth to be greatly accelerated. Most notable among these large nations was GOONS hero Tapeking Bubblefoot, near-singlehandedly funding the ascent of the alliance as a major power.

October was a turning point for the alliance. After becoming a power in its own right, GOONS decided that neutrality had had its day and it was time to tie themselves to one centre of power or another. While the NPO had eventually escaped the First Great War owing little more than an insincere apology, they had no allies other than their satellite alliance, the New Polar Order (NpO) – they were utterly isolated. However, they were able to become the number one alliance again within weeks through exploiting the same bug that we had, but not to the same hilarious extent. The alliances that sided with LUE in the war had banded together with formal treaties for fear of a resurgent NPO. With this in mind, GOONS representatives including Lobster President Dizzay and Optimus Prime Minister 404Error requested a meeting with surprised NPO diplomatic staff – offering a full military alliance, or MADP as it is today called. With the signing of this bloc, also including the New Polar Order, the entire dynamic of the game had changed. For the first time since the First Great War, the game was now a bipolar world. The game finally became exciting and dramatic, and it had only GOONS to thank.

Somewhat surprisingly for us, our former friends in LUE and LOSS now hated us with a passion and wanted our destruction. Attempts to smooth the waters were very unsuccessful. GOONS could now be considered as isolated as NPO/NpO were. LOSS abandoned GOONS on the black sphere and tied themselves to CDS. Despite this, they were unable to take a single senate seat from GOONS. The hilariously lopsided rivalry between LOSS and GOONS was one that would continue for the rest of GOONS’ lifetime. LOSS was an easy target for GOONS to troll as they were terrible posters, easily riled up, and their leader, drugsup, enjoyed wearing traffic cones on his head IRL. (see my avatar for details) There was also their chief troll, Neuronia, who famously reported goon “Crapolia” on the CN forums for accusing him of “sucking cat dicks”. Luckily, Crapolia was not warned by the mods as he had merely stated that Neuronia enjoyed putting the aforementioned dicks in his mouth. The report was, therefore, without merit.

In November, a dispute had arisen between an alliance consisting of IRL neo-nazis and fascists, Nordreich, and another alliance consisting of IRL communists and anarchists, the International Communist Party. Desperate for allies, the New Polar Order had previously signed a mutual defence pact with the Nordreich. Nordreich was seeking to remove the ICP from the maroon team in order to establish their own dominance there, but ICP refused their demands, leading to the outbreak of the Maroon War. After two days of stalemate, GOONS intervened militarily against ICP, even before NpO. In the first real test of GOONS’ military might, we had passed with flying colours and easily crushed the relatively powerful ICP within hours. Due to the total rout taking place, LUE and NAAC had threatened in back channels to intervene on the side of ICP. Frightened, Nordreich’s leadership declared an end to the war. Other than proving the undeniable power of the GOONS military machine, though young and still forming, the war had accomplished little other than harming relations between Nordreich and GOONS, and pushing ICP firmly into the arms of our enemies. We had been ready and even anxious to fight the Second Great War right then and there, but apparently Nordreich was not.

In the next month, there had been a number of near-misses for war and tensions were at an incredible high. Although this is common practice today, numerous alliances were outraged when the GGA (among LUE’s closest allies) went on a training drill by having their members attack unaligned nations. All of their allies dropped them as soon as they could, giving them nowhere to turn but to us and NPO. This was one of the last pieces in NPO’s grander foreign affairs plan. They had spent the last few months assembling newer alliances that had not been around for GWI as allies, GOONS being by far the most important. In one of the game’s defining moments that has repercussions even today, the World Unity Treaty was signed.  This was an incredibly bold gesture, as it brought nine alliances, many who barely knew each other, together in an MADP bloc. NPO was now back on top militarily and politically, with GOONS as their right-hand man.

LUE and their allies hastily threw together a response, though it was much looser and less powerful. They called it “the League”, consisting of LUE, GATO, NAAC, CDS, LOSS, and the ICP (which had recently been entirely banned by admin for using some sort of computer script, but the ban did not last for long). It was not long after this that the closest call for war yet had happened. NPO had always claimed control over the red sphere. LOSS member “New Reverie” attempted to challenge this by briefly securing a seat on the red senate with the support of the League. After several days of every alliance in the game being on the highest levels of alert, the League finally blinked and New Reverie moved to orange.

Less than a week later, Fark had discovered the game due to a news article about Nordreich pissing off the government of Norway IRL (this is another story entirely). Farkers were quickly attacked by GOONS on the orders of Dizzay, just because we could. To provoke a war with GOONS and their allies, LUE decided to defend Fark against the GOONS attack. Because of our actions, and without any planning on our part for how we would deal with the repercussions of the attack, the world was plunged into total war once again. This was the first true war between blocs, generally with members of each bloc fighting one on one against each other. GOONS fought the more experienced and powerful LUE during this war, surprising many with a crushing victory. Attempting to piggyback off of what they expected to be a LUE victory and usurp dominance over the black sphere, CDS attacked smaller GOONS nations, but were generally ignored due to the ineffectiveness of their attacks. GOONS allies were also successful on other fronts, causing the League to surrender within four days. The relative ease with which this victory was achieved annoyed many who expected a long and brutal war. Fark, the cause of the war in the first place, was not allowed to surrender. All attempts by their government to achieve peace were blown off by GOONS officials. This led to a six month campaign by GOONS to wipe Fark from the face of the planet, termed the “Holy War of Farkistan”. Parallel to how GOONS today are required to raid a target to get out of boot camp, new members at that time had to kill Farkers. Hundreds of potential new players were driven from the game, much to the chagrin of those who would be their allies and pubbies in general.

Offline babyjesus

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Re: The Goon Order of Neutral Shoving: A Prologue to a Prologue
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2010, 08:07:57 pm »
9:03 PM - Sardonic: i'm imagining your post being read by caral sagan or leonard nemoy

read this in leonard nimoy's voice

Offline DarkSol

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Re: The Goon Order of Neutral Shoving: A Prologue to a Prologue
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2010, 08:21:59 pm »
9:03 PM - Sardonic: i'm imagining your post being read by caral sagan or leonard nemoy

read this in leonard nimoy's voice

Fuck that noise.  Orson Wells.

By the way... how come I wasn't mentioned at all.  :milk:
« Last Edit: June 27, 2010, 08:28:14 pm by DarkSol »

Offline Mitsuo

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Re: The Goon Order of Neutral Shoving: A Prologue to a Prologue
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2010, 08:25:16 pm »
Morgan Freeman.

ArchWizard

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Re: The Goon Order of Neutral Shoving: A Prologue to a Prologue
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2010, 08:26:27 pm »
Brad Neely.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2010, 08:34:15 pm by ArchWizard »

Offline Sardonic

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Offline babyjesus

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Re: The Goon Order of Neutral Shoving: A Prologue to a Prologue
« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2010, 08:37:41 pm »
9:03 PM - Sardonic: i'm imagining your post being read by caral sagan or leonard nemoy

read this in leonard nimoy's voice

Fuck that noise.  Orson Wells.

By the way... how come I wasn't mentioned at all.  :milk:

you got a shoutout at the start ok

Offline I M Tpl

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Re: The Goon Order of Neutral Shoving: A Prologue to a Prologue
« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2010, 10:16:28 pm »
Glorious GOONS.




 :Fish2:
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Offline Heinlander

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Re: The Goon Order of Neutral Shoving: A Prologue to a Prologue
« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2010, 11:01:04 pm »
Truly a tale worthy of being commemorated in song.




Offline Tristesse

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Re: The Goon Order of Neutral Shoving: A Prologue to a Prologue
« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2010, 12:03:48 am »
Also sometime before GW2 we completely ran ebaum'sworld out of the game, single handedly.  This was the inspiration for going after fark in the same manner, fark was just a lot more stubborn.
(Smitty) +10 for the Corgi
(&Yersinia) welp hello new best friend

(mrwuss) i dont mind white people
(mrwuss) but mexicans fucking stink

(crazedscot) hello sarafina
(crazedscot) my internet nemesis

(OrangeAvenger) Its not incest if its with a dog

I remember when I first saw that thread, subtitled "The Beginning of the End." My hands literally shook for 10-15 minutes as I let the realization of the impact it would have on the cyberverse set in on me.

Dear diary, I've been meaning to tell you something insanely private. But darest I?! I... love... to... grrr!

...fill my bathtub full of milk and sit in it like I'm a magic angel. There, I said it. The white of the milk is so dense that when I poke my little toes up from under the milk, they startle me and I giggle. I giggle, diary! They're my own toes, yet I giggle. And then I fall asleep. And the milk curdles and I get all stinky and sticky. Disgusting, diary. I'm disgusting! I'm disgusting! I'm disgusting and I smell like curdled milk.







 

Offline babyjesus

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Re: The Goon Order of Neutral Shoving: A Prologue to a Prologue
« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2010, 12:07:13 am »
Yeah, forgot about that. What's funny is that LUE supported it and actively helped us.

Offline Tristesse

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Re: The Goon Order of Neutral Shoving: A Prologue to a Prologue
« Reply #12 on: June 28, 2010, 12:28:12 am »
Yeah, the irony of that was never lost.

GW2 was such fun times, I was in the 2k NS range, and my squad at the time went nuts on LUE.  I was in 6 wars and never went into anarchy.  Those were also the days when people thought it was a good idea to stockpile cruise missles because they made you look scary as hell.
(Smitty) +10 for the Corgi
(&Yersinia) welp hello new best friend

(mrwuss) i dont mind white people
(mrwuss) but mexicans fucking stink

(crazedscot) hello sarafina
(crazedscot) my internet nemesis

(OrangeAvenger) Its not incest if its with a dog

I remember when I first saw that thread, subtitled "The Beginning of the End." My hands literally shook for 10-15 minutes as I let the realization of the impact it would have on the cyberverse set in on me.

Dear diary, I've been meaning to tell you something insanely private. But darest I?! I... love... to... grrr!

...fill my bathtub full of milk and sit in it like I'm a magic angel. There, I said it. The white of the milk is so dense that when I poke my little toes up from under the milk, they startle me and I giggle. I giggle, diary! They're my own toes, yet I giggle. And then I fall asleep. And the milk curdles and I get all stinky and sticky. Disgusting, diary. I'm disgusting! I'm disgusting! I'm disgusting and I smell like curdled milk.







 

Offline Tristesse

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Re: The Goon Order of Neutral Shoving: A Prologue to a Prologue
« Reply #13 on: June 28, 2010, 12:29:18 am »
Also you could buy things sorta on credit in the game because it was all drop down menus.  Plus I remember due to that aid scam and bill lock not existing in the game someone (I wanna say Rob) had like -150 mil or some shit.
(Smitty) +10 for the Corgi
(&Yersinia) welp hello new best friend

(mrwuss) i dont mind white people
(mrwuss) but mexicans fucking stink

(crazedscot) hello sarafina
(crazedscot) my internet nemesis

(OrangeAvenger) Its not incest if its with a dog

I remember when I first saw that thread, subtitled "The Beginning of the End." My hands literally shook for 10-15 minutes as I let the realization of the impact it would have on the cyberverse set in on me.

Dear diary, I've been meaning to tell you something insanely private. But darest I?! I... love... to... grrr!

...fill my bathtub full of milk and sit in it like I'm a magic angel. There, I said it. The white of the milk is so dense that when I poke my little toes up from under the milk, they startle me and I giggle. I giggle, diary! They're my own toes, yet I giggle. And then I fall asleep. And the milk curdles and I get all stinky and sticky. Disgusting, diary. I'm disgusting! I'm disgusting! I'm disgusting and I smell like curdled milk.







 

Offline Umar ibn Abd al-Aziz

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Re: The Goon Order of Neutral Shoving: A Prologue to a Prologue
« Reply #14 on: June 28, 2010, 01:50:27 am »
I joined Neutral Shoving in Feb '07, right in time to go toe to toe with a horde of Fark nations who were busy trying to savage our lower ranks. That's when I met people like nippy, kicked arse, and joined wogs squad. I still remember jumping on irc for the first time and having nagu drop 3 million dongs on my nation, which helped turn the tide for me in those first pitched battles - good times :clint:
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